The Animorph Characters, Your Very Own Manual
by PowerPen
Summary: You are now the proud owner of your very own Animorph Character! Please read instructions carefully before opening. Ellimist!
1. Jake!

**Disclaimer: **The Animorphs belong the K. A Applegate, and the manual idea belongs to Possesed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno, who wrote the Matrix Manual. It is used with her permission, as long as I give her a cookie. (Gives whole batch of cookie)

**_The Owner's Guide to Jake_**

**_A Manual_**

**Congratulations!**

You are now the proud owner of Jake Berenson, the fearless leader of the Animorphs. To get the maximum enjoyment from your Jake, please read all of these instruction thoroughly before opening.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered the leader of earth's only resistance. He comes complete with ALL of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial. For a full list, please visit the Jake Berenson website.

- Strong sense of responsibility.

- A box of chill-out-dude tablets (See below)

- The _Escafil Device_.

- A tacky blue cycling outfit.

Any attempt to take either the first or second item will result in the destruction of your Jake. Any attempt to take the fourth item will most probably result in the destruction of you.

Note: Please remove any bug zappers, roach motels, and fly swatter from the premises prior to opening your Jake.

**How to Assemble**

Your Jake will arrive inside of a sturdy wooden crate, which opening will require the use of any of the following

1. A Crowbar

2. A Hammer

3. Impressive Kung-Fu skills.

Open slowly, so that your Jake does not enter Red Alert mode. After releasing your Jake, stand back and let him climb out on his own. You will need to immediately connect him to his sense of responsibility, or he will suffer a mental breakdown.

**Help! My Jake is in Red Alert Mode!**

If you opened the box too quickly, and your Jake leapt out with his hands balled into fist, he is in Red Alert mode. Don't panic. This is just his natural reaction to his new environment. Stand extremely still, and give Jake time to realize that you are not a threat. If he does not un-ball his fists after three minutes, and you are within five feet of your telephone, please call Tech Support at 1-800-RED-ALERT. Move very, very slowly.

If you are not within five feet of your telephone, well, let's hope that you opened the box with option number three, and can deal with Jake in the same way. If not, please note that we are not responsible in any way for any injuries and/or Medical/Funeral bills.

**Help! My Jake is suffering a mental breakdown!  
**

If you did not connect you Jake's sense of responsibility fast enough, he may begin to show signs of a mental breakdown. Quickly administer two of your chill-out-dude tablets, and connect the sense of responsibility within the next hour. If you do not, we are not responsible for any therapy you or your Jake may need.

_**After Assembling**_

Once he is comfortable in your home, and he has his sense of responsibility firmly connected, he will want to explore his new environment. escort him through the house, and state clearly and firmly which room belongs to him. If you do not, he will claim any room as his, and you may find your living room strewn with various socks, books, and toys.

**_Added Info_**

Jake will get extreme displeasure from eating anything that vaguely resembles any member of the vegetable family. Jake requires these for his continued functionality, and you must force him to eat these. We recommend cooking these yourself so that you can shoot him sad looks across the table. This will usually guilt him into forcing down a good helping of them. You may also attempt the usual ploys of disguising them as other foods, or mixing them into something that he enjoys. If all else fails, we recommend purchasing a Jean Berenson character, also available from us.

**_What does Jake like to do?_**

Jake doesn't like to do much, so you should allow him to do what he does like as much as possible. So if you notice him sneaking out in the middle of the night to, please the look the other way. He thinks that he is saving the world (If you or any of your neighbors purchased a Visser 3, Visser 1, or Controller character, this very well may be the case.). And if you happen to walk in on him morphing, leave quietly and pretend like nothing ever happened.

If you form a deep bond with you Jake, he may offer to let you touch the blue box and join him in his fight against the yeerks. Turning down this offer is not recommended. Touch the box (It's just a plastic box, we have no idea how to manufacture a true _escafil device.),_ and pretend like you felt a tingle. From then on, He will wake you in the middle of the night and sneak you out of the house, even if you two are the only residents. You will then run around town wearing spandex and do insane things and get funny looks from people. Jake is not recommended for people over the age of 60, but is highly recommended for extreme sports loving people. Do not jump off of roofs and try to morph to a bird on the way down, no matter how much your Jake asks you. You will not be able to morph, and you will crash into the ground. If you ignore this advice we are in no way responsible for the death that will ensue.

**_How to Maintain your Jake_**

Jake is a very easy to maintain. Just make sure he eats his vegetables, and limit the number of insane stunts to five per night. Do not make overly angry, or a vein will pop out his temple, and he will talk in a soft, silky voice. If this event occurs, apologize and leave Jake alone for a few hours. If he is really angry, give him a few chill-out-dude tablets. If he is extremely angry and his face is red, let him skip his vegetables at dinner. He will make up immediately.

Note: You may also administer chill-out-dude tablets when Jake is becoming annoying responsible.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most responsible) member of your family. If Jake requires a friend, please consider the following:

-Marco

-Tobias

-Erek

Visser 3, Visser 1, and Cryak are not recommended.

If your household is seriously lacking in romance and conflict, feel free to add Cassie, Allison the airhead, and Ronnie Chambers to your family. Your house will be home to an action packed soap opera in no time.

Thank you for reading the manual, and please click the review button below to contact us. And please give Possesed-Gummy-Bear-Inferno a cookie.


	2. Marco!

**_The Owner's Guide to Marco  
_**

**_A Manual_**

**Congratulations!**

You are now the proud owner of Marco, the clown of the Animorphs. To get the maximum enjoyment from your Marco, do not read all of these instruction thoroughly before opening and just wing it. Of course, if you want to play it safe, we suggest you continue.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered a third class comedian, a second class player, and a first class pain-in-the-ass. He comes complete with MOST of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial.

- A pair of tight shorts.

- A T-Shirt.

Please do not remove second or third item, as we are trying our very best to keep this manual K+ rated. If you feel a desire to do so, please notify us so that we may beat some sense into you. If second item is missing, replace immediately!

**How to Assemble**

Your Marco is extremely simple to assemble. He will arrive inside of a normal brown box. DO NOT use a pair of scissors to open. Open up the box with your hands, and if you are a female, Marco will enjoy it if you lift him out. If not, simply stand back. He will climb out by himself.

_**After Assembling**_

Your Marco will go to sleep. Do not wake him for at least eight hours, or he will morph to gorilla and tear you limb from limb.

_**Help! I woke Marco up too early!**_

Do not panic. Quickly grab a banana and offer it to him. It this does not placate him, offer to do his homework for the next two weeks. If this fails and you are a female, offer to go on a date with him. If this fails, then ignore what we said before, and panic. You will be torn limb from limb very shortly. It's your own fault. We warned you.

**_Added Info_**

Marco does not enjoy the sight of somebody lying on the sofa in anything resembling a bathrobe.His eyes may begin to tear up, though he will try to hide it. For the love of Marco, please do not lie on the sofa. Especially not while drinking beer. Marco will burst into tears.

Marco will also not enjoy seeing you marry anybody, and he will not be able to morph properly.

But what really makes Marco wig out is an ant. If he sees an ant, he will begin to scream and stomp. Afterwards, you will find that you have excess amounts of raid around the house.

_**Help! I was lying on the sofa in my bathrobe and Marco saw me! **_

Don't panic. Get up, and tell Marco that you are going on a trip. Drive him to a random graveyard, and say "Marco, I haven't been a very good Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend to you. Your Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend wouldn't be very happy with me."

Marco will say, for no apparent reason: "Aw, Father/Brother/Mother/Sister/Friend, You never could understand computers."

He will be fine in no time.

_**Help! Marco saw me get married!**_

Don't panic. There are three simple solutions:

1. Sit Marco down and talk to him. The is a 2 percent chance that he'll understand, and a 98 percent chance he will morph to gorilla and tear you limb from limb.

2. Return your Marco to us for no refund at all.

3. Get a divorce.

Easy choice, huh?

_**Help! I was lying on the sofa in my bathrobe and Marco saw me! And I was drinking beer!**_

God dammit, doesn't anybody follow instructions anymore? Your Marco has just suffered an irreversible mental breakdown. He will now just sit in corners and blubber. Nobody can help him, that is all he will do, all of his life. You are responsible for the shattered child that used to be the bundle of fun Marco. Don't you feel bad? Don't you?

**_What does Marco like to do?_**

Marco enjoys a healthy variety of activities. He enjoys girl chasing, video games, jokes, riddles, and practical jokes. If Marco's girl chasing gets out of hand, consider ordering a Hank character. And beware of Marco's practical jokes.

You will constantly find doorways with bucket of water on them. The will always be salt in the sugar bowl, and sugar in the salt shaker. Your bed will be short sheeted every night, I kid you not. He will jump out at you at every chance he gets and yell "Boo!". Every time you fall for one of his jokes, he will laugh very loudly and point at you. The solution is to not fall for his jokes, or you can order a Jordan character (see below).

If you can't take it, send him back to us for a full refund. Please, do not punish him. This is how he acts naturally, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it.

**_How to Maintain your Marco_**

All your Marco needs is a few good belly laughs per day, and he will live a long and prosperous life. As long as the is something he can laugh at, he will live indefinitely.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most hilarious) member of your family. If Marco is lonely, a Jake character will be a good choice. If you choose a Rachel character, they will fight all day long. Strangely enough, Marco and Rachel will show higher levels of enjoyment. Scientists have not yet figured out why.

Visser 3, Visser 1, and Jordan are not recommended. The last one can be purchased if you would like to free yourself from Marco's practical jokes, or if you are a particularly cruel person. Ironically, She is the one girl he will NOT chase. In fact, He will spend so much time hiding from her that he won't have time to set up practical jokes. If Jordan does catch Marco, be kind and save him. Unless, of course, you would like to see him suffer. Then by all means, stand by with a box of popcorn and enjoy the show.

Thank you for reading this manual. Any further questions can only be asked by clicking that magical button below that I love so much.


	3. Rachel!

WARNING**-WARNING-**WARNING**-WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING**-WARNING**

**_The Owner's Guide to Rachel_**

**_A Manual_**

**Warning! Do not open this box without reading this manual first! The information in this manual may be the difference between life and death!  
**

You are now the proud companion of Rachel, Xena Warrior Princess. Yes, companion. Do not think for a _second_ that you own Rachel, as you will lose your life.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You had better know what you ordered. People who are unaware that Rachel Berenson is inside of this box should send it back immediately. She comes complete with all of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial

- A black leotard

- A red leotard

- A swimsuit

- A bag of stylish clothes

- Makeup kit

- Cell phone

- An aditude

- Inflatable decoy dummy.

Please, we beg you not to touch any items. **DO NOT **remove items two through five, or you will end up with anything from several mutilated digits to a premature death.

**How to Assemble**

You don't. When Rachel arrives inside of her golden crate, leave it exactly where it is. Do not move it. Do not touch it. Do not interact with it in any way. Rachel should emerge from it when she wants to. If she does not emerge from the box within 48 hours, you may take a pair of scissors and open it carefully, with the S.W.A.T team, the marines, or the army standing by. Preferably all three.

_**Help! I moved the box!**_

Do not panic. You will have a few seconds in which to react. If you have a Cassie, or Tobias character, get them in the area, pronto. They may be able to calm down Rachel before she kills you. If you do not, please pray. If you are not a religious person, now would probably be a good time to convert.

_**After Assembling**_

Your Rachel will immediately need something to attack when she comes out of the box. If you know any form of trained fighting, you can give her a good battle, which she will enjoy. She will then demand fifty dollars, and go shopping at the mall.

_**Help! I don't know any form of trained fighting!**_

Do not panic. Inflate the large decoy dummy and cower behind it. There is a ninety percent chance that Rachel will attack the dummy. The other ten is you. If Rachel does go for you, protect your face and remember that we are not responsible for the medical bills.

_**Help! I don't have fifty dollars!**_

Do not panic, and do not tell Rachel this. Call tech support at 1-800-BROKE, and we will rush somebody to your house with a loan of fifty dollars. If we take longer than fifteen minutes, we promise to pay for funeral expenses.

**_Added Info_**

Rachel is a very intense person to live with. When she comes back from the mall, she will require a room to live in. If one is not prepared, she will kick you and you belongings out of your room, with nothing but a 'tough luck'. She will move all of her items into the room, and live there indefintely. There are many, many rules to co-existing peacefully with your Rachel:

1. Do not look at Rachel the wrong way. Any angry or accusing looks will earn you a broken finger. A look of lust will earn you a broken neck. If you and your Rachel form a very strong bond, you will find that the number of attacks per day decreases. That is all. Flirting is NOT recommended, especially if you have the Tobias character. You will be killed two times over.

2. Do not hit ANY starfishes that you might see. It just might be your Rachel, and then you will have two entirely different characters: _Wimp Rachel _and _Mean Rachel_. If you wish for your old Rachel back (Trust me, you will), We recommend an Erek the chee figure.

3. Do not argue with her. Especially not about food in the refrigerator. If you do get into an arguement, please, _please, _do not say 'Duh'. Rachel will immediately launch herself at you in a frenzied attack.

_**Help! I looked at Rachel the wrong way! **_

Don't panic. Immediately call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS. We will send over a small task force of fighters trained to do just that. Listen to exactly what they say, or you will die. There is a good chance this will happen anyway, but at least we tried, right?

_**Help! I chopped a starfish in half and it was Rachel!**_

See above.

_**Help! I got into an arguement with Rachel!**_

Don't panic! Simply call your resident smart mouth, either the Marco character or the Jordan character. Either one will successfully draw her attention away from you. Argument will continue for up to five hours. If you do not own either of these characters, you may call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS.

**Note:** This number is for Rachel Characters only. Please do not call when Jake is in Red Alert mode, or any other character crisis is happening. Each crisis has a distinct hotline, and you will provided with that number in your manual.

_**Help! I got into an arguement with Rachel! And I said 'Duh'!  
**_

Don't panic. If you own a Jordan character, call her immediately. If not, call 1-800-SAVE-MY-SORRY-ASS. But there is not a good chance that they will suceed. Actually, it is a very slim chance. But don't give up hope!

**_What does Rachel like to do?_**

Fight, Battle, and War. Sign her up for boxing classes. Karate. Twikando. Anything to release her aggressive nature through healthy outlets. If you can not afford to pay for these activities, consider a nice game of Risk. We reccomend a Jake character for her to play against.

Rachel also likes verbal banter. If you've got a wit of steel, you and your Rachel can have hours of fun trading colorful insults. If not, prepare to be insulted mercilessly.

**_How to Maintain your Rachel_**

Do not mention maintaining your Rachel. She is fiercely independant, and will attack.

_**Help! mentioned maintaining Rachel!**_

Don't Panic. You should know the number to call by now. If not, please call 911 for a hospital near you.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most violent) member of your family. If Rachel is lonely, we recommend a Cassie character. If you choose a Marco character, they will fight all day long. Strangely enough, Marco and Rachel will show higher levels of enjoyment. Scientists have not yet figured out why. A Melissa character may be acceptable after a few weeks spent trying to revive their lost friendship.

T.T is not recommended.

Thank you for reading this manual. But trust us, You will be thanking _us_ for making you read this manual.

WARNING**-WARNING-**WARNING**-WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING-**WARNING**-WARNING**

**--------------------------------------------------------------- **

**A/N:** I know, probably not my best manual. If you think otherwise, please let me know.**  
**

**P.S** In response to our dear reviewer Sarah Mercury, All figures costs $75.68 dollars (plus tax), unless noted otherwise.**  
**


	4. Cassie!

**_A/N: _**Sorry for making you all wait this long! Bad PowerPen, bad PowerPen! The next update won't take nearly this long, I promise. Well, without further ado, here's...**_  
_**

**_The Owner's Guide to Cassie  
_**

**_A Manual_**

**Congratulations!  
**

You are now the proud owner of Cassie, the tree-hugging animal nut armed with enough morals to choke an elephant. To get the maximum use from your Cassie, please read all of these instruction thoroughly before opening.

_**What have I ordered?**_

Oh, come on! You have ordered Cassie, the tree-hugging animal nut armed with enough morals to choke an elephant. I _just_ got finished telling you that. She comes complete with ALL of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial.

- Mud (we hope) stained overalls.

- Black leotard.

Any attempt to take either the second or third will result in a slap in the face. 

**How to Assemble**

Your Cassie will arrive inside of a sturdy plastic box. To open, simply lift up the lid and stand back. That's it. Your Cassie is ready to go.

_**After Assembling**_

Once Cassie is out of her box, she will explore her new environment. There are three things that you may do to make the enviorment Cassie friendly:

1. Please remove any animal head trophies, dead stuffed animals, fur rugs, fur coats, and hunting equipment from the area.

2. Remove any bug zappers, mouse traps, and roach motels you may have around the house.

3. Throw out any cans of bug spray you may have. You'll be losing protection from mosquitoes, but you'll be gaining a peaceful household.

**Help! Cassie saw an Animal head trophy/Stuffed animal/Fur coat/Fur rug/Hunting equipment!**

Don't panic. If your Cassie saw one of the first four items, She will go deathly pale, and then demand in a shrill voice to know if you shot the animals yourself. The answer is 'No', even if it is 'Yes'. Hopefully she will be too upset to notice that you are lying. Immediately sell the offending items, and donate the resulting money to Greenpeace.

If Cassie saw the fifth item, please call 1800-HELP-ME. We will send a animal specialist trained to control wolves.

**Help! Cassie saw a Bug zapper/Mouse trap/Roach motel!**

Don't panic. Really, don't. Cassie is a pacifist, and she will mildly suggest some items that capture the animals without harming them. Please do as she suggests.

**Help! Cassie saw a Bug zapper/Mouse trap/Roach motel!**

You should be fine, as long as it is the kind that goes onto the skin. If it is the kind that you spray on bugs to kill them, Cassie will turn around and leave. You have just lost your Cassie character.**  
**

**_Added Info_**

Cassie is an extremely advantageous character to add to a growing household. Not only will she take over caring for any and all animals, she is the ultimate peacemaker. There is almost no argument that she can't stop. This makes Cassie an excellent beginner character, a sturdy foundation to build your collection of characters on. Many characters manage to coexist peacefully if Cassie is there, when they would otherwise be at each others throats. Cassie, who is sub-temporally grounded, is a must have if you own a Cryak, Ellimist, or Drode character. Because of the many complaints from customers that their house has become a zoo, We are offering Cassie at a 20 percent discount.

Note: Attempting to use Cassie against Visser 1 and Visser 3 while they are arguing will most likely result in the loss of your Cassie character.

**_What does Cassie like to do?_**

Cassie enjoys _many_ varied activities. She enjoy caring for animals, playing with animals, getting new animals, healing animals, and horse riding. She also enjoys trips to the zoo.

Cassie should not be taken within twenty yards of a mall or shopping center. If her wardrobe becomes frightfully unfashionable, we recommend the Rachel character. The problem will be remedied in no time.

Something else that Cassie does not like is meat. If there is meat on her plate, Cassie will get extremely angry. She will have a long rant at you about the immorality of eating defenseless animals, and then give you the silent treatment for five to ten hours. Do not attempt to speak to her during this time period.

**Help! I spoke to Cassie while she was giving me the silent treatment!**

Don't panic! The time period will only be extended several hours. Do not speak again, or she will leave and never come back.**  
**

**_How to Maintain your Cassie_**

Cassi is not very hard to maintain. Just make sure she eats her food, and gets plenty of sunshine. Do not make her go to any events that require fancy dress. Do not make her fight, under any circumstances. Follow all of these simple guidelines, and she will live a long and prosperous life.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most peaceful) member of your family. If Cassie requires a friend, please consider the following:

-Jake

-Rachel

-Aftran

Visser 3, Visser 1, and Cryak are not recommended.

Thank you for reading this manual. Coming soon: Tobias.


	5. Tobias!

**_The Owner's Guide to Tobias  
_**

**_A Manual_**

**Congratulations!**

You are now the proud owner of Tobias, the resident Bird-Boy. To get the maximum usage from your Tobias, follow these instructions to the letter.

_**What have I ordered?**_

You have ordered a blond headed teenage boy with a sad past, son of Andalite Prince Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul, who has been trapped as a nothlit in red-tailed hawk morph, but regained his morphing powers through Ellimist. Whew.

Tobias is one of our few characters who comes with no items. If you wish to purchase an accessory pack for your Tobias, please call 1800-TOBIAS-ITEMS. 

**How to Assemble**

Your Tobias will arrive in a small wooden crate, marked FRAGILE. Open slowly and carefully with a crowbar, so as to not startle him. After opening, stand back and wait for Tobias to get up. This process will take five to ten minutes. Please do not disturb the box during this time period.

_**Help! I woke disturbed the box during the five to ten minute time period!**_

Don't panic. Tobias will be in full predator mode, and will attack you with a dive-bombing-hawk-from-hell-maneuver before his human mind regains control. All we suggest is that you shield you face and eyes, and you should be alright.. _**  
**_

_**After Assembling**_

There are several things that need to be taken care of. First off, Tobias will be hungry after his long trip. He will settle for any meat that you happen to have around the house, but if you can find him any live rodents he will really appreciate it.

Secondly, Tobias will need a place to stay. One of the advantages of a Tobias character is that there is no need to worry about accommodations. Take Tobias on a tour of the front and back yard, and let him choose a tree. He prefers oak trees, but any tree will suffice.

Note: Please purchase a bird perch for Tobias to use inside the house in the winter. Thank you.

**_Added Info_**

Your Tobias has the added bonus of being a top notch watch bird. If anyone attempts to break into your home, he will notice them immediately and call you. You can then call the police, or be waiting with your Lousville Slugger. Tobias is also fiercely loyal. If you are old or for some reason cannot get to the phone, he will attack the intruder, using his aforementioned dive-bombing-hawk-from-hell-maneuver.

Note: If you live in an apartment or similar building where pets are not allowed, please notify us so that you can be put on our summer rental program. Your Tobias will live outside in the summer and spring, and be shipped back to us in the winter.

**_What does Tobias like to do?_**

There isn't much to say about what he likes. He enjoys flying, catching a thermal, and the sky.

But there is something to say about what he DOESN'T like. Tobias does not like pity. Any outward sign of pity from you, and he will leave for two to five weeks. And he does not like screaming, drooling fangirls who scream 'Tobias cutie!' or 'poor Tobias', and then hug him to smithereens. If you live in an area full of teenage girls, please reconsider your purchse of Tobias, or get a restraining order.

WARNING: Tobias is usually very controlled, just don't make him mad. If you annoy him, you had better buy a hat, or else lots of shampoo.

**_How to Maintain your Tobias_**

Keep Tobias away from golden eagles, falcons, jays, cats, hunters, and bullies, and he will live for a long period of time. If he requires medical care, consider buying a Cassie character.

**_In Conclusion_**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most feathery) member of your family. If Tobias is becoming reclusive, feel free to purchase a Rachel character. Other choices for a companion include:

- Aximilli

- Toby

- Jake

Taylor and Ellimist are not recommended.

Thank you for reading this admittedly short manual. Any comments can be submitted by pressing that button below.


	6. Ax!

**An Owners Guide To Ax(imilli-Esgarrouth-Isthill) **

**A Manual**

**Congratulations!**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Aximilli, Earth's resident _Aristh_. To get maximum usage from your Ax, please read all of the instructions carefully.

**What have I ordered?**

You have ordered Aximilli-Esgarrouth-Isthill, The most difficult character yet. Ax comes equipped with all of the following:

- A Do-It-Yourself collapsible scoop (Some assembly required)

- Three bottles of aspirin.

- A box of cinnamon buns

Note: Removal of third item may result in spontaneous loss of life.

**How to Assemble **

If Ax is one of your first Characters, he will arrive inside of a large transparent crate. The transparency is to cut down on the claustrophobia all Andalites are prone to, but it will not be enough. Your Ax will experience dizziness and weakness after being let out of the box, and will require a wide area open to the sky to recuperate. Feeding Ax one of the cinnamon buns will help.

If you _are_ an experienced owner of many characters, your Ax will not arrive in a box. This will cause some problems.

First off, if you are not a fast reader, by the time you get to this section it will be too late to receive any instructions. We are sorry if any irreversible damage has been caused to you, your property, or your Ax character.

If you are a fast reader you are probably dealing with a hyper andalite right now, and are wishing that we would just give you the freaking instructions before it's too late. So without further ado, here are your emergency instructions.

**_EMERGENCY INSTRUCTIONS: Please pay very, very close attention. _**

****

Your Ax will arrive carrying all of the afore mentioned items. He will arrive in human morph; He would not be capable of holding all of the items otherwise. The delivery man will have made sure that Ax makes it safely to the door, but after that he is not liable for anything that happens. You, my soon-to-be-weary friend, are on your own.

The first thing to do is to take the aspirin bottle. This may be breaking the number one rule of peaceful character co-existence, never taking items from your character, but trust us. You have to do it, You have to do it fast, and you have to do it _now_. Snatch it from him and race it to the nearest lockable place. Return as fast as you can and take the now empty cinnamon bun box from him. Yes, empty. Be thankful that it wasn't the aspirin, and throw out the box before he eats that too. Do not worry about the scoop, he will probably not be able to fit it into his mouth.

Your Ax will now be feeling highly energized from the whole box of cinnamon buns that he ate. This hyperness will wear out in two to four hours. You'll be wanting that aspirin before long.

**_Help! I didn't snatch the asprin fast enough, and my Ax ate it! _**

****

Don't panic. These aren't the only instructions in the world. Follow the ones on the back of the aspirin bottle. Unless, of course, he ate the bottle too. Then call 1800-OVERDOSE, or the poison control center nearest you.

**_Help! Ax is my first character, but he didn't come inside a box! _**

****

A terrible mistake has been made. Please follow the emergency instructions to the best of your abilities, and when you fail call 1800-REPLACEMENT for a new character, free of charge.

****

**After Assembly **

After Ax comes down from his sugar high, he will probably go to sleep. Use this opportunity to treat any injuries you have, and then set up Ax's scoop in any convenient outside area. Try to finish before Ax wakes up, or he will complain about a primitive human messing with his Andalite technology.

Added Info 

There are several items that should be removed from your household before Ax sees them. For instance, you should never let Ax see any school books below college level. If he does, he will explain in great detail exactly how primitive humans are compared to andalites, and how 'real' math, science, chemistry, and physics works. All at one sitting. These moments are the reason we include three bottle of aspirin along with your Ax character.

Other times when you might need aspirin is if you take him out to eat. Of course, it is strongly recommended that he eats all of his meals at home and under intense supervision, but if you do take him out to eat, remember the aspirin.

**What does Ax like to do? **

What does Ax like to do? What does Ax _not_ like to do? All aspects of human culture interest him, especially the television. He enjoys Soap Operas and commercials especially. Do not let him get to the science channel, or he will never, ever stop laughing. If you an overly sensitive person, perhaps an Ax character is just not for you.

Note: Please V-chip any shows above PG-13. Please.

**In Conclusion **

We hope that you enjoy you the newest (if not most arrogant) member of your family. If your Ax character appears lonely, consider purchasing one of the following characters:

- Tobias

- Elfangor

- Jake

The following characters are not recommended:

- Visser 3

- Drode

- Aldrea

As usual, we can be reached at 1800-REVIEW.


	7. Visser 3!

**An Owners Guide To Visser 3 **

**A Manual **

**_Special Offer!_ Two characters for the price of one! We realize that Visser 3 would be rather boring in his natural slug-like state, so we are giving away an Alloran character FREE with all Visser 3 purchases.**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Visser 3, the leader of the yeerk invasion of Earth. Please read instructions fully before proceeding.

**_Urgent Note From Our (boring) Character Relationships Specialist:_**

At this point in the construction of your character family, it is possible to mix and match with disastrous results. Visser 3 characters represent an opposing force to all characters previously marketed, which in turn represents possible trouble.

From this point forward, you must be very cautious when considering new additions to your household. There are several strategies that you can adopt when attempting to keep order, but here is a brief overview of the most successful one, the Equality model.

With this strategy, a delicate balance of good and evil must be upheld. Every character must have another character or group of characters that opposes them, and equals them in power. Every action they make must be countered by another, and don't forget to work yourself into the equation. All good households are possible and, although we highly recommend against it, so are all evil ones. But in mixed households neither good nor evil should be a minority or majority.

**- C.R.S **

In plain English, that means don't let good guys outnumber bad guys, or bad guys outnumber good guys. It's a bit more complicated than that, but as long as you don't think that one Tobias balances out one Cryak you should be ok.

But, in case you do, (Or in case you have insomnia), here is our C.R.S's number: 1800-555-5555

Now, onward to your Visser 3 manual.

**What have I ordered? **

You have ordered Esplin 9466, or Visser 3. He comes complete with all of the following:

- Alloran

- All Morphs Shown In The Commercial

- Inflatable Yeerk Pool With Portable Kadrona Rays.

- Do-It-Yourself Junior Torturing Kit

- A Filled Up Diary

- A half-filled Journal

- An Empty Notebook

We have received numerous complaints about spontaneous loss of life, mutilated limbs, and gory decapitations. We are not liable for any injuries you have sustained from failure to heed us, and we warn you now:

If you touch, look at, or even think too hard about any of the last three items, you will suffer eternal agony at the hands of your Visser 3 character.

How To Assemble Your Visser 3 character will arrive in a special plastic box shaped like a Blade Ship. It will be darker than the blackest black, so dark that it will be impossible to find the release catch by sight alone. Use your hands to feel along the right side of the plastic crate until you feel a slight irregularity in the texture. Press down on this irregularity and stand back. 

The sides of the ships will fold down, and your Visser 3 character will emerge dramatically from a cloud of steam. Clap like your life depended on it. Throw in a whistle for good measure.

**Note:** Do NOT throw out the blade ship crate. Your Visser 3 will want it later.

**After Assembly **

Your next action depends on what mood your Visser 3 character is in. In fact, you'll find that an awful lot of your actions will depend on Visser 3's mood, from now on. If Visser 3 is sleepy, find him a soft place to crash. Don't even think about reading his diary, journal, or notebook; Andalites sleep with one eye open. If Visser 3 is hungry, take him outside and let him graze on the front lawn. If you live in an apartment or other building where fresh grass is not immediately available, take Visser three to the nearest park. Visser 3 is _violently_ allergic to hugs, slobber, petting, and being called a nice blue horsie, so stand guard and make scary noises at any young children that stray too close. It's slightly on the mean side, but you don't want anyone's death on your hands, right? 

The most likely mood your Visser 3 will be in is grumpy, from being cooped up inside the blade box with Alloran's claustrophobic mind. If he is in this mood, go hide in a closet and read this next section.

**What does Visser 3 like to do **

Strangely enough, your Visser 3 character enjoys training puppies. He is actually a good dog trainer, if you make sure he is in human morph and his DIY Junior torturing kit is locked away.

He gets a big kick out of bossing them around. But make sure Visser 3 understands pain/pleasure training. He tends to use too much pain and not enough pleasure, which is why he needs to be in his human morph with his torturing kit out of his reach.

Another thing Visser 3 enjoys is trips to the zoo. He will be fascinated with the all the animals, and will want to acquire some. You can let him, but either make sure the animal won't take a slash at him or that you have enough cash to compensate the Zoo for their loss.

**Added Info **

Some characters are not readily compatible with Visser 3. Jake, for example, will clash horribly with Visser three unless you set some very firm ground rules. Such as the, 'Don't you lay a finger on each other or I'll break both of your heads' ground rule, or the armed-sentries-posted-in-every-room ground rule.

Yes, that's right. Visser 3 may be a crazy, psychotic, murderous war lord, but that doesn't mean you can't be firm with him. Show him who's boss around here, but be careful; It might be him.

Your characters will require special rules to live with Visser 3. Again, don't be afraid to assert yourself a little. Tell Rachel not to pick a fight with him unless she's in grizzly morph, and if he morphs into alien that you're not going to be the one cleaning up the slime. Make sure Sara understands that he is NOT a Pokemon, and tell Marco that there is to be no Yeerk humor at the dinner table. Especially not that horrible 'pass the salt' joke.

Now, to benefit _your_ survival, Here are some important things NOT to do with Visser 3. There are none of the popular _Help! I did something I wasn't supposed even though you told me not to! _sections, because you will be beyond mortal assistance.

_**Five Major Visser 3 No-No's**_

1. We cannot stress this enough. No touching Visser 3's diary. No touching Visser 3's journal. No touching Visser 3's Notebook. Those are Esplin's personal thoughts, and if you find out his secrets he'll make it his business to see that you take them to the grave. Got it? Good.

2. Six things that you are not to call him: V3, Vee-Twee, Esplin 90240, The Abomination, Andalite Lover, and (God forbid) Visser Poo.

3. No trying to starve Visser 3 so that you can play with Alloran. Alloran's character is highly diluted, due to the fact that he is supposed to just be a vessel for you Visser 3 character. It's like throwing out the toy and playing with the box. Besides, if you fail, Visser 3 will not show mercy. To pre-order an undiluted, full strength Alloran character, contact us at 1800-REVIEW. We warn you know, the two will not take kindly to each other.

4. No serving instant Ginger or Maple oatmeal to Visser 3, he tends to view these things as assassination attempts. However, he will eat it when _he _feels like it, with results similar to inebriation. Make sure that there are no young children/characters within earshot of him; He knows some pretty obscene stories and songs.

5. No singing 'Esplin and Edriss sitting in a tree'. Capital N, Capitol O.

**In Conclusion **

We hope that you enjoy the newest, if not the most temperamental, member of you family. If your Visser 3 shows signs of loneliness, please consider purchasing (get this) a Visser 1 character.

Yes, we know it goes against every instinct of self preservation in you, everything that we've ever told you, and every fiber of your being. But recent studies have discovered that both show higher levels of enjoyment while engaged in argument. Why? The world may never know.

If you do order a Visser 1 character, you may also want to order a six-pack of generic Hork-Bajir guard characters for both of them. Just because they love to hate each other doesn't mean they both don't want each other dead.

**Note: **You might also want to order Iniss.

The Animorphs, Elfangor, And Mr. Loud-And-Nasal are not recommended.

If you have any comments or questions concerning, you know what to do.

**A/N:** Longest one yet. And in case you were wondering, I received all necessary permissions before writing this. :D


	8. Visser 1!

_**The Owner's Guide to Visser 1**_

_**A Manual**_

**Congratulations!**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Visser 1, one of the most powerful yeerks in the empire. The reading of the instructions is highly recommended.

**What have I ordered? **

You have ordered Edriss 562, or Visser 1. She comes complete with all of the following:

- Eva

- Inflatable Yeerk Pool With Portable Kadrona Rays.

- Dracon Beam

- Class 1 Empire Ship.

Note: Please do not attempt to remove item 1, 2, or 3, or you may suffer irreversible damage to your mind, body and spirit.

**How to Assemble**

No assembly required. Visser 1 refuses to be subjected to the indignity of being shipped to your house. She will pilot her miniaturized Class 1 Empire Ship to your house in the dead of the night and land in your garage five to ten days after your order is placed. (Make sure the door is up.).

She will then knock on the door, wearing a blond wig and green contacts. Use caution when opening the door at midnight, it just might not be Visser 1. We recommend checking the garage to make sure there is a ship in there.

**Help! I left the garage door down!**

Don't panic. After hearing the tremendous crash and the ear-splitting sound of twisting metal, make your way over to the remains of the ship and refer to diagram A1 for a map of the ship. After the crash it may not be arranged quite to same way, but it should give you a general idea.

First, locate the engine room and make sure the engine is not about to explode. If it is, we suggest that you find the main power valve and shut it off very, very fast.

Next, search the ship for your Visser 1 character. If she is dead, so much the better for you. If she is alive, you will be lucky if you are when she is finished with you. Our only suggestion in this event is to take the Dracon beam away as quickly as possible.

Don't worry, the Class 1 Empire Ship comes with a 75 percent money-back insurance policy. We can only hope that your garage is also insured, and your car if it was in there.

**Help! It's midnight and the person at my door isn't Visser 1! And they look dangerous!**

Don't panic. We have a very special, personalized number just for you. It's called 911.

_**Added Info**_

Visser one is a very difficult person to get along with. She is used to preferential treatment from the empire, and expects no less from you. Now, if you have a mansion and dozens of servants, this is all fine and good. If not, there are several ways to approach this:

- Stand up to Visser 1. Tell her that she is not going to get special treatment from you and she had better adjust to a normal life. She will either respect you for it or "demote" you to a Gedd host.

- Submit to Visser 1, and wait hand and foot on her the rest of your life, doing the work of ten servants.

- Purchase a Visser 3 character. That will certainly distract her.

**Help! Visser 1 demoted me to Gedd host!**

Hahahahaha- Ahem. Don't panic. Call our special hotline at 1800-DECOY, and you can order a decoy Gedd controller. Just pretend like you were given to another Yeerk, and Visser one probably won't notice.

**Help! Visser 1 noticed!**

Don't panic. Try to keep all of your money and credit cards away from her, or she'll try to order the Council of 13 characters and hold a trial. If you succeed, good for you, if not, we have some good controller lawyers for sale.

_**What does Visser 1 like to do?**_

Visser one enjoys power, power, and did we mention power? She is power hungry, and has the brains to get it. She will take every opportunity to gain control over you and everything around her. She enjoys controlling the remote control when you watch television, If you go anywhere in the car, she will want to drive, etc. Just let her have her way; Trust us, It's easier.

Also, Humans fascinate her. Let her out of the house every once in a while to socialize. The neighbors won't mind her unless she kills some of their pets (She does it in case they're Visser 3 in morph).

She also enjoys flakies. Don't worry about limiting her intake of them; they don't affect her health or weight in any way.

Also, if you have children in the house, you will get the opportunity to see a very different side of Visser 1. She will act in a very maternal matter towards them, and she will be happier and kinder towards everyone. If you are an adult male, and an Essam character is not available, she may also act – interesting – towards you. If you are the mother of these children, please just let Visser 1 believe that they are her children. If you challenge her, a good analogy would be "Mother Grizzly with her cubs". She has a soft spot in her heart for children, maybe the only soft place in there (besides Essam's, See below).

Note: Do not leave her outside unsupervised for long periods of time. You may find that a new social group comes to your neighborhood, The Sharing…

_**How to Maintain your Visser 1**_

Here comes the tough part.

Visser 1, being Visser 1, is in constant danger. You may notice that Yeerk assassins are frequently dropping by unannounced, that the contents of Visser 1's favorite cereal box are being switch with highly concentrated Maple or Ginger oatmeal, and other things that are clearly meant to end your Visser 1's life.

The first thing to do is to make sure these are not the doing of Visser 3. If he is innocent (well, of that), then you have a few options.

If you are reasonably well to do, you could call 1800-DEFENSE. For less than twenty thousand dollars we will transform your home into a state of the art fortress. You will receive a shipment of fifty seven self-automated dracon beams, a crate of hunter robots that respond to only you and Visser 1, and all of the entrances to your house will be tricked out with the latest in Gleet Biofilter technology.

Or, if you cannot afford this, you can purchase a run of the mill, human security system.

Note: If your Visser 1 character is killed despite all of this, your money will not be refunded.

_**In Conclusion**_

We hope that you enjoy the newest (and most dominating) member of your family. If Visser 1 is lonely, please consider the following:

-Visser 3 (See Visser 3 manual for explanation.)

-Essam

-Madra

Marco is not recommended.

If you have any questions or comments, we can be reached at 1800-REVIEW.


	9. Erek!

**An Owners Guide To Erek King**

**A Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Erek King, the pacifist alien android. You do not have to read these instructions if you do not feel like it, but if you do not you will probably regret it.

**What have I ordered?**

You have ordered Erek, a member of the ancient race of Chee. He comes complete with all of the following:

Pemalite Crystal

Chee maintenance kit

Spare parts

Major assembly required.

How To Assemble 

When Erek arrives at your doorstep, he will be nothing but a half-ton pile of high-tech junk. Unless you find high-tech junk entertaining, you will want to put him together. Unless you happen to possess extraordinary engineering skills beyond normal human capacity, you will want to follow our simple twenty-step checklist below:

**Erek Assembly checklist**

Make sure that you have a weekend or other three day period free to spend constructing your Erek character. Chee building is a very demanding activity that requires your full attention, and the slightest distraction may prove disastrous.

_**Help! I don't have any time to work on my Erek character!**_

What are we, your social planners? Either make some time, or Erek is going to be collecting dust in the attic along with all of those other things you're going to 'get around to.'

Make sure that you own the following items, and are familiar with how to use them:

Hammer

Blow Torch

Wrench

Screwdriver

Coffee maker

_**Help! I don't know how to use a (insert tool)!**_

Don't panic. Go to the nearest bookstore and buy _How to use tools for the hopeless dummy._ Read it. And since they probably don't cover coffee makers, (Which is an essential tool to Chee building), all you do is _plug it in_.

Final preparations: Check to make sure that your insurance is in order. We shouldn't even have to tell you by now, but it doesn't hurt to check. You may also wear protective gear such as a helmet, goggles, gloves, etc. In all honesty it's not going to do much good, but you can use them if it makes you feel better.

_**Help! My insurance isn't in order!**_

Then you are obviously a complete and total newbie who should return Erek immediately and get yourself a nice Cassie or Tobias character.

Get a good night's rest. A sleepy mechanic is a dead mechanic.

After you have performed the usual morning ritual, Andalite or otherwise, you may begin construction. Choose a large, empty area, well ventilated and preferably within five feet of a telephone.

Assemble the Chee head, which you will use as a base part. Insert both mechanical eyes into the head case, attach the voice box and Scent-sor, and plug all four components into the central computer.

**Warning:** All of these components are extremely fragile, and you will NOT be receiving a refund if you break both the original and the spare, so gentleness is recommended.

Construct the Chee body according to diagram C-21. Install the violence inhibitor chip, the flow capacitors, and finally the nuclear reactor IN THAT ORDER. Triple check your work, cross your fingers, then press the big red button that says 'ON'.

_**Help! I didn't install the flow capacitors!**_

Don't panic. The nuclear reactor probably just overloaded without the flow capacitors to limit them, and exploded with the force of ninety thousand atomic bombs. We don't even know how you could possibly be reading this, because by every law in the universe you should be dead.

In the improbable event you do manage to read this, please realize that you have just killed every living thing on earth. Congratulations. In future lives we hope that you follow instructions better.

_**Help! I didn't install the nuclear reactor!**_

Don't panic. Return the big red button to it's 'OFF' state, insert the reactor, and turn it back on.

_**Help! I didn't install the violence inhibitor chip!**_

Don't panic. If you own a Mr. King, Lourdes, or Maria character, scream very loudly and they will most likely come to save you. If you do not own another Chee character, you can phone 1800-PEMALITESHIP. Hit the six button, and then you will be able to enter a transmission code. There are various kinds of commands you can have transmitted, but the one that you probably want is 4726, which deactivates all Chee within hearing distance of the phone. If Erek doesn't hear or you don't dial fast enough, we are in no way responsible for any harm that you may, and probably will, come to.

**After Assembly**

After assembly comes another task: Programming.

Along with a Erek comes a very special and powerful tool: A Class I Pemalite crystal. This powerful alien computer has the ability to change Erek's personality, abilities, memories, feelings, or even allow him to use violence. His programming defaults to normal Erek behavior, but you may change it however you see fit. We leave the creative details up to you.

Warning: We refuse to tolerate the use of characters for mass murdering, fighting wars, or attempts at world domination. If we receive complaints of any of the above activities, we will immediately deactivate and confiscate all of your characters. Further more, your will be banned from ever purchasing any of our characters again.

And even further more, you'll probably be going to a high security prison also. The law does not take these sort of things lightly.

What does Erek like to do? 

Now, even though he is a machine, Erek is a living, sentient being who deserves to be treated with respect. Encoded deep inside of him, no matter how hard you try to program it away, is a dislike for all violent activities, a love for all canines, and a preference for English muffins. All he asks is to be treated the way that you would treat anybody else, and for the occasional tune up, and he will be happy.

How to maintain you Erek 

Use the special Chee Maintenance kit included with you character. If you don't know how to use it, Erek will be happy to teach you. That's basically all there is to maintenance, besides watching his cholesterol intake.

Added Info 

Erek enjoys dogs.

In Conclusion 

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most robotic) member of your family. If your

Erek character appears to be lonely, please program him to deal with it or consider

purchasing one of the following characters:

Mr. King

Marco

Pemalite

The Howlers, the Yeerks, and Fluffer McKitten are not recommended.

All comments and questions should be directed to 1800-REVIEW.


	10. David!

**An Owners Guide To David **

**A Manual **

Congratulations! You are now the proud(?) owner of David, the treacherous seventh Animorph. Please read the instructions before continuing.

**What have I ordered? **

You have ordered David, a despicable specimen of the human race. He comes complete with all of the following:

· All morphs shown in the commercial

· B.B Gun

· Megadeath

· Spawn

· Serious Issues pills

**How To Assemble **

David will arrive on your front porch, locked inside of a titanium cage. This is for your own protection, so please do not unlock the cage until you have finished reading this section. Also, if the lock appears to be tampered with, do not use your David. Return him to us immediately for a replacement.

The first step is to clear your house of any characters you may have purchased earlier. It may prove difficult to find a temporary place to hold your characters, if you can't find anybody brave enough or crazy enough to character sit them. It will be well worth it though, because David gets along with virtually nobody. If your characters were at home when David was released, several character deaths would probably be eminent.

The second step is to release David. Unlock the cage, and stand several feet back. David will emerge after a few moments, holding his B.B gun and looking around for something to shoot. He will be disorientated for several seconds, and within this time period you should take the B.B gun from him. This will firmly establish you as The Boss, and he won't protest when you bring your other characters back home.

**_Help! I unlocked the cage before I read the section! _**

Don't panic. Just read the rest of the section really, really fast. If that fails then we are in no way responsible for any harm that may befall you.

**_Help! I didn't take the B.B gun fast enough! _**

Don't panic. Walk away slowly, and try to look as non-target like as possible. If you don't feel like trying to take your David's gun again, call 1800-DAVID-IS-SHOOTING-STUFF. We will send somebody to handle the situation, but then they will be 'The Boss', and David will not listen to you. Granted, he barely listens to The Boss anyway, but you may want to order a replacement David character and take the gun yourself.

**_Help! David shot me! _**

Don't panic. It's just a B.B gun, you should be fine. If David happened to hit you in the eye or other delicate body part, call 1800-DAVID-IS-SHOOTING-STUFF and the paramedics.

**After Assembly **

David will want to explore his new home. Show him around the house, clearly defining what room is his. Make sure to get him a cage for Spawn if you aren't fond of snakes slithering around your home.

Note: As you purchase more and more characters, you may find yourself running out of rooms for them. If you are a particularly intrepid character owner, you can have some of them be roommates. Obviously, this is an extremely risky undertaking that requires skill and patience, but above all common sense. For instance, only a foolish or highly sadistic person would put Visser 3 and Elfangor in the same room.

However, we recommend that you do not make David share a room with anybody. Unless his roommate is incapable of violence, such as a Chee, sooner or later one of them will end up dead. Nobody gets along with him.

If you require assistance, call our C.R.S at 1800-555-5555.

**What does David like to do? **

Besides scaring people with his snake and trying to act tough, David enjoys tormenting Animorphs. Luckily, this usually only involves taunting, threatening, and non-lethal violence. We have found it impossible to squeeze David's endless number of mental problems into such a small vessel, so if you want the full David experience you should use the Serious Issues pills. The full David experience is not for the faint of heart, so Serious Issues pills should not be used lightly.

For those brave souls who use the Serious Issues pills, administer only one pill per day. This will simulate the full extent of David's twisted mind, and he will enjoy far sicker activities. Such as small animals in pain, or even small children. And, as should be expected, he will generally attack any Animorph in morph, and sometimes Rachel when she is not.

If it turns out that Serious Issues David is too much for you, cease use of Serious Issues pills immediately. If you have a Cassie character, she will be able to exert at least some control over him until his serious issues wear off.

Warning: Do not allow David to consume two or more Serious Issues pills within a twenty-four hour time period. This will cause catastrophic results.

**_Help! I administered two or more Serious Issues pills!_**

Don't panic. Even though this is a highly dangerous situation (Which, mind you, could have easily been avoided), you and your characters may yet come out alive.

David will now have serious issues to the power of twelve. Whatever shreds of honor and self-control he might have had are now non-existent. He will be in this state for one week per extra pill administered, and during this time you, your family, and your character's lives are at a high risk. Therefore we present you with this set of:

**_EMERGENCY INSTRUCTIONS_**

1. While overdosed, he will try to destroy anything that makes him the slightest bit angry. Even worse, he will do so with cold and terrible brilliance, laying in wait for them with the best possible morph. Be especially wary of cobras and lions, two of David's favorite morphs.

2. The best way to deal with this emergency is to be alert and ride it out. For instance, he will probably attempt to seize control of the household by killing you, an event that you should prepare yourself for by purchasing a six-pack of Hork-Bajir body guards for yourself. Having a few Animorphs tail you isn't a bad idea either.

3. A rouge Animorph is a security nightmare. David could be anyone, anywhere, at anytime. Fortunately, he can only be one person at a time, so operate under the buddy system. Nobody should go anywhere alone, unless you are positive of David's location. Remember, David has no reservations about acquiring sentient creatures. If somebody does go somewhere alone, treat their DNA as compromised and them as untrustworthy. If kept under constant surveillance for two hours, they can be considered safe until out of sight for two minutes or more.

4. Even though it is under the influence of Serious Issues pills, the mind wreaking all of this havoc is still David's. That means his actions can be predicted by someone who knows him. Ask a Cassie character to predict his next moves if you have her. If not, call 1800-CRAZY-DAVID, press 1, and inform us of his overdose level. We should be able to tell you what he will do next. We made him, after all.

5. If you own a Rachel character, send her to stay with a friend, preferably one in a different country. David's main homicide attempts will be directed at her. If nobody is willing to harbor a girl being hunted by David, keep Rachel close to you at all times. Also keep a close eye on characters such as Tobias, Sara, Cassie, Dan, Jordan and others who spend time with her. David will be targeting them for kidnapping, blackmailing, acquiring, torture, or all of the above.

6. Your main goal is keep everybody alive until David's serious issues wear off. If David has consumed more than a few weeks worth of serious issues, this may prove near impossible. One solution would be to get him before he gets you. Although we are highly against the unnecessary deactivation of any characters, this may be the last option available to you. Simply gather up all battle-ready characters that are willing, and refer to Jake, Marco, or other strategizing character for the battle plan. If you have none and aren't the leader type, call 1800-CRAZY-DAVID and press 2. We will describe a detailed battle plan for you to use. Before engaging David in battle, BE SURE to contact us and request your David's deactivation number. Deactivating him is far easier than killing him. Whenever any character hears their deactivation number said three times in a row, they will automatically shut down.

**How to maintain you David **

The only thing that is necessary to maintain David is to remember that he is only an imitation. Several owners purchase him and subject him to cruel, terrible punishments of their own devising. The David that you purchased never tried to kill any Animorphs, he never betrayed them, etc. So unless he actually does, leave him be.

**In Conclusion **

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most traitorous) member of your family. If your David character appears to be lonely, buy him another pet or something. Rachel, Saddler, and pretty much our whole character catalog are not recommended.

All comments and questions should be directed to 1800-REVIEW.


	11. Elfangor!

**An Owners Guide To Elfangor **

**A Manual **

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Elfangor-Sirinal-Shamtul. It would be in your best interest to read the following instructions.

**What have I ordered? **

You have ordered Prince Elfangor, a hero to humans and andalites alike. He comes complete with all of the following:

· All morphs shown in the commercial

· Escafil Device

· Shredder

· Yellow Mustang

· Damaged ship (See Below)

· Guilt tablets

Note: Elfangor character deliveries are notoriously dangerous and complicated, something that we wish to fix in later versions. If you are adverse to property destroying, life threatening mayhem, an Elfangor character may not be for you.

**How To Assemble **

4-6 weeks after ordering Elfangor, you will notice eerie blue and red lights shining in the sky outside of your window. You should do the following:

1. Secure any loose objects, or remove them from the premises.

2. Make sure all of your characters are inside of the building.

3. **_Order a large pepperoni pizza with extra cheese!_**

4. Find a large, heavy piece of furniture to brace yourself against.

5. Wait.

You may have to wait for several minutes before anything happens, so be patient. The lights will grow steadily brighter, until suddenly extinguishing with a loud noise and moderate earth shaking. This will mean that your Elfangor character has arrived, and immediate action must be taken. Quickly throw seven eighths of the pepperoni pizza out of a window, and take cover behind the large piece of heavy furniture. You will hear sounds of a fight: Please ignore them. After a few more minutes of waiting, Elfangor will enter even more injured. Give him the remaining slice of pizza; it will make him feel better.

Note: Outside is the wreckage of an andalite fighter and two bug fighters. You may keep them, or sell them for scrap.

**_Help! I didn't secure loose objects! _**

Don't panic. This is simply a precaution against the unlikely event that one of them manages to cause some injury during the shaking, and will probably not impact your survival. If you are injured, though, don't say we didn't warn you.

**_Help! I didn't find a large, heavy piece of furniture to brace myself against! _**

Don't panic. The vibrations from the ship crashing are usually insignificant, and no structure has ever sustained any real damage. However, we ask you to follow all of our instructions, as you never know which ones could be the difference between life and death.

**_Help! I didn't get my characters inside! _**

Don't panic. If they're lucky, they'll get caught under the spaceship and die a horrible, bloody death, spending their final, drawn-out moments in terrible agony. If they're unlucky...well, in interest of preserving your innocence, and our manual's T rating, won't tell you what happens if they're unlucky. Just know that it's really, really bad, and your sickest nightmares are wholesome by comparison.

Note: In the above context, 'Don't panic' means 'Your characters are going to die no matter what, so don't do something stupid and get yourself killed along with them, or get your blood pressure in a tizzy'. We apologize if we gave the impression that we had a way to fix your mistake.

**_Help! I didn't order the pepperoni pizza! _**

You didn't order the pepperoni pizza? Did you NOT notice that particular instruction was underlined, bolded, _and_ italicized, indicating that it was insanely important?

We have only one instruction for you: Panic! However, this is one of those times where 'Don't panic' would mean you have a chance to avert your own impending doom, but given the disaster that is about to occur we assume that you are going to panic regardless of what we say. This way you will die, but you will at least die following instructions. (And we assume no responsibility for any moralities; check the Terms of Agreement.)

If you do not wish to die, you can further ignore our instructions and keep your head. If you have several kick-ass characters, specifically Animorphs, send them outside to help Elfangor, who is fighting a small army of yeerks. If you are not kick-ass inclined, we recommend that you stay out of the way and contact the Deactivation Department and request the yeerks' deactivation codes. Remember, stay near your heavy piece of furniture, as large pieces of your house are probably being smashed around.

**_A brief explanation that seems to be in order _**

_If you are still alive, you are probably asking yourself why we put you through harrowing, near-death experiences like these. Do we enjoy placing your life in constant danger, and having the only way out be following a series of specific, and unnecessarily mocking instructions? The answer is, only a little bit. _

_Mostly, what we are doing is a complex process called Character Building. When a character is as detailed as Elfangor, certain aspects of his behavior are impossible to reproduce inside of our factories and laboratories. Therefore, we carefully arrange a series of events that will replicate a major event in that characters life. Basically, for a character such as Elfangor to truly act like Elfangor, they must go through approximately what the real Elfangor went through. _

_Some third-party organizations, such as AniCB, exist that are willing to do your Character Building for you. Some hardcore, die-hard Animorph fans relish Character Building; pretty much every other sane person in the world detests it. However, we wish to reassure you that these harrowing, near-death experiences are entirely necessary, and we are not toying with your life. There are some exceptions, included for our amusement, but these are minor and usually non-fatal. _

**After Assembly **

Due to the fact that your property is probably destroyed, and seeing as it is pretty much all our fault, we offer free cleanup service. Call 1800-Ani-Mess, and a repair crew will come to more or less put your house back together. If your landlord/neighbor/roommate is upset, we will pay all compensation fees. This service is also available for other Animorph Character related destruction, but requires payment.

You should use the time that would have been spent fixing your house to get to know your Elfangor. He will seem reserved and stiff as the conversation begins, but will gradually loosen up and want to discuss the battle. Congratulate him on his tail fighting, and use words like 'scum' and 'filth' freely when describing yeerks. You will bond immediately.

**What does Elfangor like to do? **

_**Normal State**_

In his normal state, Elfangor wants to be a hero in the yeerk/andalite war he thinks is going on. Therefore, he should be kept away from Visser 1, Aftran, and other yeerk characters you do not wish beheaded. Also, it is recommended that you stay home with Elfangor for the first four days so that he knows you are not a controller. If yeerk attacks occur more than five times per day, do not be afraid to lay down the law. If medical expenses and character deaths pile up, you can ask all of the yeerks to stay in their yeerk pools until the problem is resolved. Elfangor limits his attacks to yeerks in their hosts. If he persists, you may have to use guilt tablets. (See Guilty State below.)

Visser 3 and Elfangor are mortal enemies, and will attack each other on sight. Neither ever really manages to kill the other, but if you own a Visser 3 character you should confiscate Elfangor's shredder to be on the safe side. There is no quick fix for this problem; you should simply resign yourself to their weekly battles. Eventually, though, one of then will realize that they cannot kill the other without some help, and the real trouble will start.

If you have followed our C.R.S' guidelines, your house will contain an equal balance of good and evil characters, and the battles will come out roughly even. Although your medical expenses may pile up, there is nothing really serious to worry about.

_**Help! I didn't follow your C.R.S's guidelines!**_

_We figured that. There is only one way to fix this problem, and that is for you to join the battle as an unbiased balancer. If one side is winning, help the other side. This will make a big difference if you are a force to be reckoned with, but if you aren't the effect may seem negligible. We recommend that you use the shredder. _

_If you and a majority of your characters emerge alive, call 1800-555-5555 and learn how to balance your household properly._

For reasons unknown, Elfangor has an unbreakable fixation on white, round objects. He will hunt for them relentlessly, and, if they are in the possession of somebody else, battle to the death. Off-white pearls seem to attract him the most, and a whole necklace of them will drive him crazy. Do not wear any jewelry of said kind that is not easily removable; you might be strangled or lose an earlobe.

Upon obtaining them, Elfangor will dig a hole in any nearby area of dirt and bury them. Do not allow this area to be disturbed by anybody, as Elfangor will drive them away with his tail if he catches them.

_**Guilty State**_

If you find that normal Elfangor is too overwhelming, you may give him ONE guilt tablet. This may be a bit tricky, since he eats with his hooves, but dissolving it in his water usually works. When in his guilty state, Elfangor just wants to live in peace. He enjoys quiet rides through the country in his yellow mustang, and stays as far away from yeerks as possible. The guilty state is not irreversible if Elfangor is carefully watched to make sure he does not become a human _nothlit_. If he does, he will remain in his guilty state forever, unless you happen to own an Ellimist character. 

**_Help! I gave Elfangor more than one guilt tablet! _**

Your Elfangor will sink into depression, overwhelmed with guilt, and become suicidal. There is nothing we can do about it. Are you happy now?

**How to maintain your Elfangor **

Keep your Elfangor character away from Taxxons, Visser 3, and Energy-Eating Asteroids, and he will be fine. 

**In Conclusion **

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most heroic) member of your family. If your Elfangor character appears to be lonely, please consider purchasing one of the following characters:

- Loren

- Arbron

- Tobias

Alloran, Visser 3, Jarex, and Larex are not recommended.

All comments, questions, and complaints should be directed to 1800-REVIEW.


	12. Alloran!

**An Owners Guide To Alloran**

**A Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Alloran-Semitur-Corass. The following instructions should be read. (That is why they're here, after all.)

**What have I ordered?**

You have ordered War-Prince Alloran, the temperamental, only-slightly-insane Butcher of the Hork-Bajir. He comes complete with all of the following:

- All morphs shown in the commercial

_- The Jahar_

- Quantum-Virus Container

- Shredder

- Patented Alloran-Attitude Technology

Note: Do not tamper with any of the above items, or Alloran will do Bad Things to you.

**How To Assemble**

Alloran will arrive on your porch, inside of a miniature version of _The Jahar_. Near the door of the ship will be a large, inviting red button. Do not press that button. Instead, you should go to the back of the ship and unscrew a massive steel cap. Make sure that a large piece of foil underneath it, with the words "Do not use if seal is broken" printed repeatedly upon it, is still intact.

If it is, peel it off, and then proceed to remove a lot of annoying plastic restraint wires from Alloran and all included items.

_**Help! I pressed the large, red inviting button!**_

Don't panic. _The Jahar _has simply imploded, destroying whatever was inside, and rendering itself useless as well. If Alloran was inside of _The Jahar_, he has been destroyed, and you will not be receiving a replacement. If Alloran was not inside of _The Jahar_, however, you should either run for your life, or beg Alloran for forgiveness. The former is strongly, strongly suggested.

_**Help! The large piece of foil isn't intact!**_

Don't panic. To prevent the possible release of a tampered with Quantum-Virus, run around to the front of the ship as quickly as possible and press the large red button. The ship will implode, producing sufficient pressure and heat to nullify the virus before it mutates to your DNA and kills all of humanity. Phew.

**After Assembly**

Your Alloran Character, unfortunately for you, will not be claustrophobic after traveling inside of _The Jahar_. He will actually be quite alert, so you must act quickly.

Immediately after exiting from _The Jahar_, he will demand that you place his ship inside of your garage. If you own an Elfangor, Visser 3, or Visser 1 character and have kept their ships, garage sharing issues will arise.

**Elfangor: **If Elfangor wants to keep his fighter inside of the garage, Alloran should be able to bully him into moving it without too much trouble. If you don't want Alloran to do that, explain to Elfangor about the situation. Elfangor knows how much _The Jahar_ means to Alloran, and will probably move his fighter.

**Visser 3:** Visser 3, being Visser 3, thinks that the garage is reserved solely for himself. You can try explaining to him that it is not, but he won't listen and may chop your head off if he is annoyed. The best solution is to tell him that Visser 1 moved her empire ship when you asked her to. This will make him move his also, in an attempt to be 'just as good' as she is.

**Visser 1: **Visser 1, just to tick off the other three, will want to keep her Empire ship inside of the garage. She won't listen to reason, and Alloran's threats don't faze her. You can either trash her Empire Ship and have it dropped in the Pacific Ocean, or bribe her. Empire Ship trashers have been proven to live 98 shorter lives than non-Empire Ship trashers, so Empire Ship trashing is not recommended. When attempting to bribe Visser 1, possible bribing items include increased authority, extra dracon beam ammo, and/or more flakies.

**You: **If YOU would like to keep the garage for yourself, maybe to actually keep your car inside of, there are two choices. You can ask Alloran, Elfangor, Visser 1, and Visser 3 nicely for the garage. Or you can manipulate them by telling Visser 3 that Visser 1 wants the garage and vice versa. Then, give Elfangor a guilt tablet and tell Alloran that Elfangor is trying to keep his yellow mustang in the garage, and tell Elfangor that Alloran wants to keep _The Jahar_ in there. This will keep them struggling against each other for an indeterminable amount of time, and you will be free to claim it for yourself. Of course, if they find out what you are pulling, we are not responsible for the funeral expenses.

After all garage issues have or have not been settled, Alloran will take his Quantum Virus and Shredder into the house and claim a room for his own. Unless you have placed a large banner over a room with the words "ALLORAN'S ROOM" In big bold letters, he'll choose a small, private room. If this room is the bathroom, different living arrangements may have to be worked out.

**What does Alloran like to do?**

Alloran spends most of his time tinkering with _The Jahar_. When he's not doing that he likes designing and building human vehicles and machines. Alloran is also very interested in politics and governments, though mainly when it comes to pointing out their shortcomings and faults.

Alloran enjoys social life, and likes to spend time with loved ones. His friendship and respect, though hard to earn, are one of the greatest that you'll ever know.

Despite his Patented Alloran Attitude Technology, Alloran can be fun and lighthearted when he feels like it. If you own a Marco character, the two will appreciate each other's different brands of humor. Alloran will not appreciate his practical jokes, however.

**How to maintain your Alloran**

Alloran feels that it is his duty to participate in war. He doesn't enjoy it much, but feels that he can do the job better or as well as anyone else. Keep the number of battles as low as possible, and ask the phone company to block the Army recruiters. This reduces the risk of Alloran being killed. Other than that, Alloran should stay away from Visser 3, and eat 2 servings of crabgrass and 4 servings of field grass per day. His African wild grass intake should be kept to a minimum. 

**In Conclusion**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most complex) member of your family. If your Alloran character appears to be lonely, please consider purchasing one of the following characters:

- Jahar

- His children

- Feyorn

Visser 3 and The Andalite Council are not recommended.

Contact 1800-REVIEW to express you comments, concerns, and complaints.


	13. Ellimist!

**An Owners Guide To Ellimist**

**A Manual**

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Ellimist. Read the following instructions. _READ THEM_.

**What have I ordered?**

You have ordered Ellimist, a.k.a the all-powerful weakling, the brilliant loser, and Toomin. He comes complete with all of the following:

- Raw Power

Note: Please do not tamper with your Ellimist's raw power. Nothing good would come of it, we promise you.

**Warning:** Ellimist characters are dangerous. They are dangerous in the way that the sun is hot and skyscrapers are tall, and those are understatements. They are so dangerous that we needed seventeen different permits just to market them, and we're legally required to ship them to you in armored trucks.

We are dead serious, so if you feel like you're the sort of person who cannot handle an Ellimist, return him to us immediately. But if you have an absolute, positive, I-know-I-can-do-it feeling that you can handle Ellimist, you should also ship him back to us immediately. Overconfidence is a major source of failure, and failure is, as of now, not an option.

The proper attitude to assume here is a humble, I-really-should-read-the-manual one. Instructions must be read and executed swiftly. When the manual says jump, you shouldn't ask how high, because by the time you do it will probably be too late.

You have been warned. We can only assume that you're not going to listen to us, but if you screw up and get yourself killed, remember that we told you so.

**How To Assemble**

Exactly one month after ordering, the universe will turn all fuzzy and blue. This will probably worry you a little bit, but you can relax, as this is completely normal. We do suggest, however, that you refrain from operating motor vehicles during this time period, and do not participate in any activity during which a sudden loss of vision could have negative effects on your health.

After your eyes adjust to the blue lighting and your brain comes to terms with the universe's newfound fuzziness, you will be able to see a shipping crate somewhere in the immediate area. This shipping crate is actually a very advanced technological device designed to shield your brain from radioactive and psychokinetic harm, but it is probably safer if you think of it as a shipping crate. Nearby is a tool that is more safely thought of as a crowbar, which you should use to do something to the crate that is more safely thought of as prying it open.

STAND BACK.

After you do this, a hazy turquoise cloud of smoke will begin to rise from the crate. You should not walk through, wave at, blow on, or otherwise disperse this smoke. DO NOT inhale this smoke.

After a few moments, the cloud of smoke will solidify, and the universe will stop being blue and fuzzy. The cloud will usually solidify into a shape that resembles an old man, but it could theoretically solidify into a young girl, or a dog, or a cat, or all three of them at the same time if it wanted to. Whatever shape, it is now an Ellimist character, and it more or less belongs to you.

_**Help! I didn't stand back!**_

Don't panic. If you somehow managed to survive to massive onslaught of psychokinetic energy that was released when the "shipping crate" was "opened", congratulations on your impressive mental constitution. Give yourself a pat on the back if your motor skills are still up to the task.

Next, check to see if the instruction following part of your brain is still functional. It will be the one whose lack of use got you into this situation in the first place. If you didn't check, then it's not functional, and there's no point in trying to give you any more instructions.

If you did check, that means that you can still follow instructions, to some extent at least. Call 1800-PSI-HARM, a conveniently standard phone number in case you've damaged your short-term memory. We will send over expert neurologists to help restore your mental activities.

Note: If you vomit within one hour of the shipping crate being opened, call the Bio-Hazard Control Center and request their very best radiation unit.

_**Help! I inhaled the turquoise smoke!**_

Don't panic. If you are still alive, and your vocal cords are still intact, contact us and request Ellimist's deactivation number. Say it three times. Say it very, very quickly. If you succeed, this will prevent Ellimist from solidifying inside of your lungs, which has predictably fatal consequences.

Ellimist smoke is highly carcinogenic, so we recommend that you visit a hospital and have them remove it.

**After Assembly**

Ellimist is largely a self-sufficient character. At about this time, you would be showing him around the house, but there is no need because he has already knows exactly how your house looks. He also doesn't need to be fed, because he leeches energy out of the air through cold fusion and the radioactive molecules contained in his body. You might also have helped him pick out a room, but when he wants to be alone he will simply turn into steam and waft invisibly around the house until he is wanted.

So, after assembly, you should take a well-deserved break and allow your eyes to readjust to reality before moving on to the next section.

**What does Ellimist like to do?**

Ellimist enjoys twisting time and bending space in ways that they, respectively, are not supposed to twist and not supposed to bend. But as reality-based company, we simply do not possess the resources or the authority to make the universe do things that it is not supposed to do. Perhaps if we were a less realistic company, we could give our Ellimist characters the ability to twist time, bend space, warp reality, and all of that other jazz. But we're not and we can't, so both you and your Ellimist will have to be satisfied with the universe and all of its limitations.

If the inability to break the fundamental laws of the universe upsets you, we asks that you consider the following things:

- The laws of the universe most likely have a very good reason for being here.

- Your Ellimist character is still extremely powerful.

- The speed of light is very, very fast, quick enough to get anywhere on Earth in under twelve seconds. Wanting to get somewhere any faster is just impatient.

- You probably do not even deserve to manipulate time and space anyway.

We should also add that Ellimist likes to play God with the rest of the universe. Most of the rest of the universe does not like to be treated this way, so you should take steps to insure that your Ellimist's God-like interventions are kept to a minimum.

**How to maintain your Ellimist**

Ellimist does not require any maintenance. (See _After Assembly_.)

**Added Info**

Your Ellimist character, fortunately for you and the country in which you live, is a benevolent creature. To the best of our knowledge, he has no plans to create any destruction, misery, or chaos of any kind. And while this is a very, very good thing, it does not mean that he is harmless. Ellimist is about as far removed from harmless as possible.

We do not plan on giving you another lecture about how dangerous Ellimist is. If you've made it this far into the manual without bringing about the apocalypse, you must be doing something right. But because keeping an all-powerful being in check is a very large task for one person, we suggest that you purchase one or more the following characters:

_**Cassie:**_ All Cassie characters have built-in Sub-Temporal grounding abilities. What this means is that whenever an Ellimist character is within 20 yards of her, he cannot use any of his Raw Power. If Ellimist is out of control, not cooperating, or playing God, a Cassie character is an invaluable asset. Please note that your Ellimist character may become extremely irritated if he is Sub-Temporally grounded too often.

_**Jake: **_With great power comes great responsibility; therefore with Ellimist's infinite power comes infinite responsibility. Nobody is infinitely responsible, but Jake is as close as you're likely to get.

_**Crayak: **_If Ellimist just becomes too much too handle, and you are out of options, you may have to buy a Crayak. This will allow you to follow the Equality Model by balancing Ellimist and Crayak against each other, but there is a chance that Crayak and Ellimist will start treating the Earth like their own personal game of chess. The decision to purchase a Crayak should not be made lightly, so call 1800-555-5555 if you would like assistance our C.R.S in determining whether your household is prepared for a Crayak character or not.

**In Conclusion**

We hope that you enjoy the newest (if not most omnipotent) member of your family. If your Ellimist character appears to be bored, please consider purchasing one of the following characters for him to manipulate:

- Elfangor

- Tobias

Drode, and to some extent Crayak, are not recommended.

Call 1800-REVIEW if you have comments, questions, requests, or complaints.


End file.
